Thursday, October 23, 2014

The Scent of Disappointment

You would think by now that I would know better.  That after 10+ years with my ex, I would stop believing his lies and I would stop hoping that he will pull through and shine.  I have been burned enough times but apparently I haven't learned to stop touching the flame.

He hasn't seen Max since July.  In August he never returned any of my emails about his visitation.  In September he canceled the day before we were supposed to meet.  In October, total radio silence to all of my attempts to contact him.

He never calls and rarely picks up when we call him.  He doesn't respond to my text messages or emails.

Then, last week, Max asked me one of the most painful questions ever.  He asked where his daddy was?  This happened after we left daycare and another child's father was there.  It literally broke my heart when he said it.

I didn't know what to say.  You can't tell a 2 year old that his father is a dead beat loser.  So I said he was in Delaware.  I know Max doesn't understand what that means but I had to say something.

So how do you address this question?  You can't tell a child that their parent is sick in the head.  That their parent is too lazy to see them.  You can't tell a child that he is too much work for his father.  You can't allow them to be hurt by a parent's inadequacies.  But you have to tell them something...

I finally got so mad that I stalked my ex.  I called him 7 times in a row because that was the only way to get him to pick up the phone.  I said it is time to put up or shut up.  I told him he has to decide if he wants to be a part of Max's life or not.

I don't know if forcing it is the right thing.  I really don't know if anything I do is the right thing.  But I do know that spending time with Max is a gift.  One that I cherish no matter how many times I have to tell him to stop pulling the dogs hair, stop screaming, stop climbing up your dresser, etc.

He is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will never understand how his father doesn't see that.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

House Updates

Slowly but surely the house is coming together.

Here is the kitchen before I painted the cabinets:

And here is the first coat of gray paint.  Once we painted the inside of the cabinets gray, it really pulled it together:

The floor is just hideous but I really can't do anything about that now.  I am probably just going to hide it under an area rug.

 Here is the gutted bathroom.  The tub went in yesterday and the drywall goes in today:

 Monday I bought this mini chandelier for my hallway.  It seems a little girly and fancy but I never normally buy things like this.  I am excited to put my stamp on this house!

It has been a lot of work and it is very stressful some days but I know in the end it will all be worth it!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Changing for the Better???

I think we can all agree that my life has changed significantly in the last two years.  I had a baby, moved back home, got divorced, bought a house, etc.  Some days I feel like nothing will ever be stable again!

I have had a couple of mantras to get myself through all of this.

My favorite is "Head Up, Keeping Moving."  I truly believe that when I stand still, things seem impossible.  Similar to when I run a race, I constantly keep my eyes on the finish line.  I never look down at my feet.  Each big change has been another finish line and I constantly have my eyes on the prize!

Another mantra is "One thing at a time."  When I first moved home, my mother kept pushing me to accomplish things.  File for custody of Max, file for divorce, etc.  I kept telling her that I was at my breaking point and I knew I could only do one thing at a time.  I made a list of things I knew I had to do and I slowly ticked away at it.  Some of them were so simple as to open my own bank account and start saving again.  Some, like getting divorced, took more time and energy to complete.

One of the last things on that list is to get a new job.  It hurts me to even say that.  I truly believed when I started this job, 9 years ago, that this was it for me.  I am a part owner in the company and I really never believe I would leave this company.

I love my job.  I love what I do.  But in the last two years, the job has morphed into something that just isn't good for me anymore.  I work in a very unstable environment.  Every day you don't know what you are going to walk into.  Some days are great and some days I go home and cry myself to sleep.

My breaking point came this year.  I was called to the floor, like a child, in front of my employees, for something I hadn't done and I just snapped.  I told this person, that I was embarrassed by them and there was no reason for what they had done.  They hadn't checked their facts in advance and it was totally unacceptable.  And just like that my mind was made up. 

I know making this decision is just the first step.  I have to start looking for a job and I really have no idea what I am going to do.  I am completely lost about this.  But I know I just have to keep my head up and keep my eyes on the finish line.  Everything else will fall into place.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Light

Max has a new obsession...the lamp in his bedroom!

I tuck him in at night, I turn out the light and shut the door.  Five minutes later, I hear the click.  He has turned the light back on.

I go in, when he is finally asleep, tuck him back in and turn off the light.  In the middle of the night, when I get up to go to the bathroom, the light is back on.  

Is he afraid of the dark?  He seems too young to know there are scary things out there, that lurk in dark corners or under the bed.  But he can't sleep until that light is on.

Do all kids use night lights?  I am polling all of the mom's out there!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Creeping All Over My Posts

I wrote this post a couple of times before I actually posted it.  I was so angry at first that I had to save the post and come back to it with a clear head.

When I first separated from my ex, I deleted my blog and my twitter account.  Then he kept commenting on everything I did, so I blocked him on Facebook and Instagram.  Then it continued, so I unfriended everyone he knew and blocked his whole family.

If I posted a picture at Sonic, I was spending money that could go to Max.  If I went out to dinner, who was caring for Max?  I even found out that he was viewing our iBaby baby monitor, so I changed the password.  It felt like I was constantly being bombarded.

Over the past two years, things have calmed down a little.  I started another blog because I finally felt I could start posting again.  My Facebook and Instagram are 99% Max, so if he saw anything it wasn't a big deal.

And then I bought a house....

I told Scott I was moving but I didn't feel like it was any of his business what I did financially.  This divorce hit my wallet hard.  He cleaned out my savings and it has taken me two years of very, very cheap living to rebuild.  I moved back in with my parents because I needed the help and they were so gracious and loving to help me when it all fell apart.

Every penny I saved was so that Max and I could have a better, more stable future together.  This house was a dream come true.  It was such a deal, in a great neighborhood, near friends.  Yeah, my parents helped me out.  But most of this was on me and I finally felt good about myself again.  I didn't feel like such a loser.

(I am actually getting teary eyed typing this post.)

Then, yesterday, my ex told me that someone sent him a picture of my house.  So this post is geared towards the "friend" (I will use that word loosely) who sent my picture of my house to my ex.

It's none of his fucking business!  Yeah, I said it.  It is none of my EX HUSBAND'S fucking business what I do.

I put up with his shit for years.  I held our family together.  Here is a little tid bit for that person.  When I had a new baby, I mowed our massive lawn, did all the laundry, grocery shopped, painted rooms and striped wallpaper in our new house, cut down trees, cared for the dog, cared for a newborn who wasn't in daycare yet and worked full time...while he was too "sick" to get off our couch.  

I know I put it all out there on the internet.  I (usually) post carefully and I never say too much about what is going on but this really pisses me off.  Someone I thought was my friend, went behind my back and basically spied on me.  So give me my moment to rant!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Night vs. Morning

As a working mom, I am always looking to streamline the morning routine.  If there is a corner to cut, trust me, it gets cut.

Lunches are made at night.  I brush my teeth over the kitchen sink while feeding Max.  I eat my breakfast while walking the dog.  I am a morning machine!

Recently, I have been showering at night to make the morning a little less stressful.  But I have to say, I am not loving it.

It's not really that bad...... I swear!

I do love having those extra 15 minutes.  I seriously LOVE not having to blow dry my hair.  But I don't feel as clear and focused without my morning shower.

I need more coffee.  My brain feels a little fuzzy in the am.  I am not a ninja like I normally am.

So I ask all of you?  Do you shower in the morning or at night?

Do I feel crisp and wide awake, but with bad hair?  Or do I have awesomely flat ironed hair but with a side of 4 cups of coffee?

Which is best?  Yes I really did write a post about this!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Are We Seriously Talking About This?

I know I am a newbie Mom.  I don't understand all the nuances.  I'm not going to lie, I find a lot of the things Mom's think about ridiculous.  But I am not a very sensitive person and I will be the FIRST person to admit that!

A couple of weeks ago the daycare tells me that we have to have a conference.  Max is going through a period of biting and throwing and they want to talk to me about it.  Hmmmmmmmm

Instant Mom guilt sets in.  So like any mature adult, I avoid it.  I never email the director.  I sneak in and out of the daycare for a week without her catching me.  Finally the room teacher brings it up again.  Busted!  I slink back to work and schedule our conference.

So we finally have our meeting.  And instead of talking about why Max is frustrated (hence the biting and throwing) we spend 20 minutes talking about FUCKING sippy cups.  I am seriously not kidding right now.

There are certain cups Max likes and certain ones he doesn't like.  Could I buy him new ones, like the ones he does like?  Can I stop sending this cup because it leaks?  Can I stop putting the stoppers (the ones that stop the cups from leaking) in because the teachers forget to take them out?

Now I know what you are thinking.  Just buy new cups Alex!  But I bought new cups when we switches from bottles.  And more new cups when the previous room teacher told me that he didn't like the soft nipples.  Then I bought even more new cups when he went to his current room and he had to have "big boy" cups like the other kids in the class.  Now I have a drawer full of cups that he doesn't like (though Max has never actually said those words) and about 2 cups that I must wash every day.

I just sat there and nodded my head because I was completely flabbergasted.  This is one of the most ridiculous discussions I have ever had.  I am worried about his development and his temper and we are talking about sippy cups.

I mention this because again, this morning, we had a discussion about sippy cups when I dropped him off.  They keep sending home cups that don't belong to Max.  I wash them and send them back.  Then they end up in his lunch bag again.

Turns out, they split Max's milk in half and give it to him in two servings.  So now, I need to send an empty sippy cup with his lunch every day, so he can have two servings of milk.  Even though I told them the pediatrician wants me to cup back on Max's milk consumption because he drinks way too much!

I guess my problem with this whole situation is that I feel like I just don't have time to deal with this bullshit.  In between working full time, keeping my house cleaning, packing for our move, working my new second job at home at night and keeping up with Max, I just don't have time to worry about sippy cups.  I can barely get myself to bed every night with my to do list finished.  If we are both clean and the dog went out, I consider the night a success!

Every day it is something different with the school.  He needs more snacks.  He doesn't want chicken nuggets, he wants fresh roasted chicken.  He needs more t-shirts because he gets wet during water play. You forgot his bathing suit.  He doesn't like cheese nips, he wants goldfish (aren't they basically the same thing???)  The list goes on and on!

I know every parent goes thru this.  But when is enough....enough???

Friday, August 1, 2014

Fear & Loathing in CT

As a parent, you will probably spend 50% of your life feeling like a failure.  You feel like everything your child does reflects back on you.  You live with constant self doubt that you are doing the right thing.  You will spend every day comparing yourself to other parents and always find yourself lacking.

Become a single parent and that number doubles.  You are completely on your own.  Basically up shit creek without a paddle, in the words of my father.  You have to swallow down most of your worries because there isn't that other person to share it with.  Sure you have friends but they just can't always understand what you are going thru.

Most days Max and I muddle through ok.  I aim for going to bed happy and don't worry that his shirt is dirty, that he has scraped knees and that he isn't organic fucking chicken!  (Chicken nuggets never killed anyone people.  Cool your jets!)  He is the happiest boy ever and that day, I feel like a champion parent.  I may be wrinkled and my hair may look like crap but we are happy!

But many days I feel like a hopeless loser.  I feel like my failed marriage affects Max.  That he struggles or is behind the other kids because he doesn't have a father presence daily in his life.  These days are really hard.  I cry myself to sleep because really I just want the very best for him.

Yesterday was one of those days.  He has woken up every night this week crying.  I am beyond exhausted.  My ex never pays his child support until I beg.  There is no wine in my fridge.  And it is really fucking hot out.  These all add up to epic meltdown proportions.

I lost it last night.  I spent my entire night, awake in bed, convinced that I am a loser, in a dead end job and that my kid is behind because of this.  I woke this morning depressed and really sad.  Normally I can shake this crap easily but today I just can't.

I want Max to think that his Mom is a fighter.  That she works hard and never gives up.  That she may have sacrificed in ways but the stuff really doesn't matter.  It is about the quality of your life and how happy you are.  I want him to know that I can tackle anything without a man in my life.  That I am resourceful and really smart.

Most of this probably boils down to the upcoming close date on my house.  I am really worried about how I will carry all of this financially.  I think it is important for Max and I to have our own home life and I think it is above and beyond time for us to move out of my parents house.  But I am still really scared and I am not afraid to admit it.

Am I the only one who has this problem?  

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Where Does Time Go?

I have been trying to write this post for almost two weeks now. I have no idea where the time has gone and I probably can't even tell you the things I accomplished when this blog post wasn't been wrote!

A quick update since the last time I posted (cough, cough) a month ago. My close date on the house is now August 15th. Banks, being banks, can't do anything in a timely fashion and now we have to move everything back. They are all..."oh no, we don't need your tax returns."  Two days later, "Yeah, I am going to need that return."  Ahhhhhhhhh

Over the fourth, Max and I went to LBI. We spent every day at the beach and it was such a fun vacation. The following week Max went to stay with his dad and I got my real vacation!  I went to the gym, laid on the couch, read books and slept in for FOUR WHOLE DAYS!  I was amazing!

Things between myself and the ex continue to be rocky. We have days where things almost seem friendly and then with the flip of a switch, it is ugly again. It is a precarious slope that we seem to constantly crash down, with no warning at all that it is coming. I am hopeful that with time things will get better. But since it takes two people to get there and one of us is a giant ass, I don't know about that happening!

Online dating sucks and I am about to throw in the towel on it. I feel like the people I meet get weirder by the moment. You can just imagine what they say about me...

Basically I spend each day trying to find a balance. Some days I eat great and work out but Max is a wild little beast and works sucks. Then on other days Max is my sweet little boy but the house is gross and the dog runs away again. It is a constant struggle for normalcy. But as my friend always says, "What is normal now?"

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Frustrations At Work

I will be the first to admit that my job is a huge part of my life.  I have worked (on and off) for the same company since I was 13.  My mom is one of the owners and now I am too.  I happily work at night and one weekends.  I love my job!

Last year my mother retired and I lost some of my enjoyment in my job.  I went from being able to sell and handle our company's marketing and social media to be the gatekeeper for every person who works in our company.  I feel like I am trying to heard cats most days.  The minutia has really dragged me down and I don't know how to shed this crap!

Instead of posting to Twitter and Facebook or managing a big event, I now have to harp about people being late, taking too long of a lunch break and not doing the basic functions of their job.  Some days, I just want to stand in the doorway of my office and scream that "I don't fucking give a shit what you idiots do!"

One of the biggest frustrations is with the older employees.  I know you are 20 years older than me, but you still work for me.  When I ask you to do something, I expect you to do it.  I'm sorry that you never saved for a retirement and you will work at this job until the day you die.  But that isn't my fucking problem.  I have a 401k.  I planned ahead!

I am new to being in charge of people but I feel like I am barely staying afloat some days.  I know I have a lot going on in my personal life, but I try really hard to leave all that crap at home.  But after someone comes into your office and screams at you because the battery in her wireless mouse died and I didn't race over to give her a new one (yes that did happen!), it is hard to not let that bother you.  How do you keep up the happy face when you are constantly being shit on?

I really need to become a stronger swimmer, because I am drowning over here!

Monday, June 9, 2014

Crickets, Crickets Everywhere!

I have been a terrible blogger lately.  Mostly because my life is just insane right now.  Work consumes every minute of the day and then I come home and chase Max all night.  He has decided that sleep is the devil and we wake up SUPER early every day!

I feel like I am slowly putting myself back together after my divorce.  I have really focused on work, started a new diet, made some new friends, etc.

But the biggest news of all.....I bought a house!

My offer was accepted the other day and I have my inspection this week.  Fingers crossed that everything goes well at the inspection and the deal will go thru.

I am equal parts excited and really, really nervous right now.  I can't wait to move into a place that will be all my own and I am thrilled to own a house again.  But I have never carried a mortgage on my own before and I am really nervous about fitting it into my budget.

Either way this is another step towards a new life.  And that makes me so happy!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Free At Last, Free At Last

Damn, it feels good to put this mess behind me!

I am officially a single lady again.  I had court on Friday afternoon and my divorce finally went thru.  It was an ugly day, filled with fighting and nasty words.  But I feel lighter than ever before.

I don't consider myself a divorce expert.  There are people who have situations that are much worse than mine.  

All I can say is this- Keep your eye on the prize! My ego wanted to get in the way during our negotiations but in the end, I walked away with the best prize of all.  My freedom and Max!  In the end, my ex is the real loser.

If any of you are going thru something similar, I hope you remember that!

Thursday, May 15, 2014

How Did This Happen?

It doesn't seem possible that time could fly by so fast, but it did. 

  Today, my baby is 2!

I feel like he was just born yesterday.  I vividly remember laying on the couch with him resting on my chest when he was just a couple of days old.  I would lay there for hours, just soaking up the snuggles and his new baby smell!  Those precious moments are so fleeting.  

Now he is running and jumping and screaming like any boy.  He makes me laugh, makes me smile and drives me completely insane some days!  He exhausts me but I wouldn't change a single thing about it. 

He is the best part of my life.

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!  I love you more than Candy Corn!!!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Divorce is a Marathon

Excuse a runner nerd while she makes some really bad analogies.

Right now my divorce is the New York City Marathon.

I started out in Staten Island.  A little cold, a little hungry and nervous about what was ahead of me.  I knew I had made the right decision to leave S but I was still apprehensive.  I didn't know how this journey would turn out and any new challenge is scary.  But I know that I will never look back, I am just looking forward!

I headed into Brooklyn.  I felt good about how the separation was going.  S and I had come to terms as friends, we had finalized custody of Max, things were going good.  I was still energized about the battle ahead.  I could literally run for days!

Ugh Queens.  We are fighting again and things are starting to get really nasty.  I just want this fucking run to be over.  Maybe I will just have someone pick me up and I won't finish this.  I am THAT tired!  I also ate some weird Gu at mile 14 and it is upsetting my stomach.  That Gu is my ex mother in law.  Ahhhhh

Yeah, we are in Manhattan!  I was served divorce papers and it was seriously the best day ever.  I thought I would have to beg S to divorce me.  To have him make the decision was awesome.  I am literally flying down First Ave.  I am the fastest runner ever.  I am like Usain Bolt!

Awwww shit, the Bronx.  Shit is about to get real.  I am tired, we are fighting constantly.  S's lawyer is a complete bitch.  She is so evil, I almost admire her.  I think I want to be her in my next life!  I know I am at Mile 20 but it seems like this run is crushing me right now.

Back in Manhattan.  We are so close.  I am cruising down 5th Ave.  I see Central Park.  I know the finish line is coming.  I will be done with this mess soon.  I start dating again.  I cut my hair.  I feel pretty again.  I am AWESOME!

And then I hit Central Park and I look down at my watch.....I am only at Mile 24.  Fuck my life.....

I am supposed to be divorced next week and now all this shit is happening.  I know how close the finish line is but I am so tired and I wonder if I will ever get there.

That glorious medal is so close.....

Thursday, April 17, 2014

So Which Way to the Hospital???

Sunday night was a terrible and scary night for me!

Max came home from a weekend at his dad's with a fever and you could tell he was feeling awful.  As the night went on, his breathing started to sound funny and the fever got higher.  Doctor Google told me it was croup, so I called the pediatrician.  She said take his temp and anything over 105, go straight to the hospital!

So I take his temp....105.8.  I take it again....105.3.  I throw on some clothes, put him in the car and google the nearest hospital.  (Side note- This is a complete parent fail.  You should ALWAYS know where the closest hospital is!  Bad Mommy!!!)

We get to Bridgeport Hospital about 9:45 pm and he is admitted at 10:15pm.  They give him Tylenol for his temp and that is where things started to go downhill.  They decided to put him in a room, but couldn't find a clean room.

They say, we will put you in here, so he can lay down and someone will be by soon to clean the room.  They don't make the bed, the floor has medicine on it, etc.  We were still in that room at 2am!

After some time, they say his breathing is making them nervous and they do chest x-rays.  His throat was almost completely swollen shut.

We do nebulizer treatments, he is given steroids, etc.  The pediatric doctors come down, we chat.  More time goes by.

Finally the crazy nurse comes in and says the hospital doesn't feel they can adequately treat him.  The doctor doesn't even have a talk with me.  Just a freaking nurse!

At 2am they decide to transport us to Yale New Haven.  So Max and I had a sweet ride in an ambulance!

Yale was like paradise.  Bridgeport Hospital was that carnival cruise stuck in the Caribbean covered in human waste.  Yale was a private yacht, in the Mediterranean, with Jay-Z, Beyonce and Blue Ivy!

We had a long night at Yale and in the am, you could tell Max was starting to feel better.  He was basically climbing the walls.  The doctors came in and said they wanted to keep him another night and finally I had had enough.  I said we need to go home.  He needs a real bed, we both need sleep and I seriously need a shower!

We were finally sent home around noon.  We got home, napped for a couple hours and felt a lot better.  
He is still not 100% but he is back at daycare today.  Yeah Daycare!!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Ahhhh Running, You Are Such a Bitch!

Since my separation it has been really hard to fit in running.  It is a complete miracle if I can run alone and running with the jogging stroller limits how far I can go.

My max is five miles with the stroller and it seriously almost killed me.

I ran the Fairfield half last summer and it was a complete shit show.  I am normally a 2 hour half marathon.  1:57 to 2:05 in all of my halfs.  Last year, THREE FREAKIN HOURS!  How is it even possible that it took me that long to run 13.1 freaking miles???

I literally wanted to die the entire race.  I psyched myself out from the start.  I was so nervous and it just blew up in my face.  My stomach hurt, my feet hurt.  Just awful.

I took a break from racing after that and just ran for fun.

Then this fall I decided I was going to come back with a vengeance.  I signed up for the Runner's World half in Newton, Ma.  I was SURE I could get someone to run with me.


No one was interested.  Now I am not sold on making the trip all by myself and then running alone.  But I feel like a failure if I drop out.  All I want to do is get back to my old speed and have a great race under my belt.

It is just like when I trained for my first full marathon.  I used to hit a wall at 14 miles every long run.  Then finally one day I glided past 14 and we were good to go.  I just need to burst through that wall and come out on the other side.

I know running is all about head games but lately she is really mind fucking me.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Giving Up Coffee Will Kill You!

So this is what I have felt like lately.  Between Max, work, winter time and everything else in my life, I am constantly exhausted.  My last count was 4-5 cups of coffee a day.  That is way too much, right?

So on Sunday, I pulled the plug.  COLD TURKEY....

And it is seriously killing me!

Not only am I tired and irritable but I have had the worst headaches....EVERY DAY.  And Tylenol/Motrin/ibuprofen have no effect on them.  They are almost blinding.  I feel like a crack head detoxing.

It was so bad I googled this and it could take up to a week to go away.  Not sure I am going to make it.....

Monday, March 24, 2014

Time to Go Fishing

So I bit the bullet this weekend, and signed up for online dating....GULP.

I signed up for Plenty of Fish, mostly because it is free and because a couple of my friends use it.  So far, I am not completely sold on online dating.  It is very awkward.

You post a picture and answer some lame questions about yourself and then all these guys send you messages or say they want to meet you.  Maybe I am putting to much thought into it, but I would like a little conversation before we meet.

Maybe you are a serial killer?
Maybe you keep dead bodies in your basement?
Maybe you live with your mother and you have no plans of ever moving out?
Maybe you save all your toe nail clippings?

Telling me that you like fishing and think of yourself as "athletic" in no way allows me to filter out the crazies!  I am not sure I want to meet you for a drink.  I would really like to know you are legit first.

When you are a young and in college, you just go to a bar and get drunk.  Then the next day you wake up with 5 new besties and a boyfriend you only slightly remember.  Sighhhh, so easy!

After divorce your foundation is rocked.  I have had to rebuild my self confidence, my self worth and stand on my own.  I also have find my mojo again.  I look in the mirror most days and just think meh.  In college, I was all, "damn girl, you are fineeeeeeeee."

I want to be fineeeeeeeee again!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Shockingly, She Has More to Say!

It seems odd that I didn't blog for over a year and now I feel like I can't stop. I want to write so many things. My brain is going twice as fast as my fingers and I can't keep up with all the thoughts.

Since I had Max, my life has been in a state of constant change and turmoil. At my saddest and weakest moments, when I am in bed with a glass of wine and a huge jug of animal crackers, I am convinced that I am damaging him by allowing this drama into his life. I really hate this saying, but my son is now from a broken home!  Then when I wake up the next morning and brush the crumbs off my pillow I remember that he is still (in my eyes) a baby and hopefully he will never remember any of this.

I have moments where I feel strong and invincible. Where I fix problems on my own and can build a school bus slide/playground for my son without any help. I take care of car problems and dog problems (she won't stop running away!) all by myself.

Then those moments are matched by times where I am so sad because I feel like I can't do everything on my own. Where it would be really nice to say, hey can you help me with this? When you are struggling to fit a huge dog kennel back into its minuscule packing box and you really wish someone could help you with this horrible, back breaking puzzle.

I met my ex in college and we were together for over 11 years. Being alone is something new and that can be hard to accept. But then I remember that I no longer have to deal with his drama on a daily basis and that my life is now peaceful.

I now sleep great at night and that is the best gift I have ever given myself. It may be exhausted from a toddler sleep, but it is still sleep!

Friday, March 21, 2014

Ahhhhh Blogging, I Have Missed You!

Some of you may remember me, even though it has been quite some time since I tapped away on my keyboard.  I used to babble over at Running Just As Fast As I Can.  Then my life fell apart and I deleted my blog and my twitter.

To bring you up to speed.....

I had Max in May 2012.  My husband went to rehab in November of 2012 for alcohol addiction.  In December, he fell off the wagon for the 100th time and I finally left him and moved back to Connecticut.  I filed for custody in April 2013 and I will finally be divorced next month.

It has been a real trial putting my life back together.  I felt like every small accomplishment was matched by extreme set backs.  I sold my house, my ex cleaned out my bank account.  I paid off my car, my ex asked for my engagement ring back.  My ex and I finally have a good co-parenting relationship, something horrible happens at work.

These frustrations make it really hard to get your life back on track but I am working on it.  Every day has highs and lows.  You start to realize what is important in life and what isn't.  All the "stuff" bogs you down, so my goal for 2014 was to live a lighter and happier life.

Change is hard and change is scary but I know it is necessary!