It seems odd that I didn't blog for over a year and now I feel like I can't stop. I want to write so many things. My brain is going twice as fast as my fingers and I can't keep up with all the thoughts.
Since I had Max, my life has been in a state of constant change and turmoil. At my saddest and weakest moments, when I am in bed with a glass of wine and a huge jug of animal crackers, I am convinced that I am damaging him by allowing this drama into his life. I really hate this saying, but my son is now from a broken home! Then when I wake up the next morning and brush the crumbs off my pillow I remember that he is still (in my eyes) a baby and hopefully he will never remember any of this.
I have moments where I feel strong and invincible. Where I fix problems on my own and can build a school bus slide/playground for my son without any help. I take care of car problems and dog problems (she won't stop running away!) all by myself.
Then those moments are matched by times where I am so sad because I feel like I can't do everything on my own. Where it would be really nice to say, hey can you help me with this? When you are struggling to fit a huge dog kennel back into its minuscule packing box and you really wish someone could help you with this horrible, back breaking puzzle.
I met my ex in college and we were together for over 11 years. Being alone is something new and that can be hard to accept. But then I remember that I no longer have to deal with his drama on a daily basis and that my life is now peaceful.
I now sleep great at night and that is the best gift I have ever given myself. It may be exhausted from a toddler sleep, but it is still sleep!