Friday, August 29, 2014

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Light

Max has a new obsession...the lamp in his bedroom!

I tuck him in at night, I turn out the light and shut the door.  Five minutes later, I hear the click.  He has turned the light back on.

I go in, when he is finally asleep, tuck him back in and turn off the light.  In the middle of the night, when I get up to go to the bathroom, the light is back on.  

Is he afraid of the dark?  He seems too young to know there are scary things out there, that lurk in dark corners or under the bed.  But he can't sleep until that light is on.

Do all kids use night lights?  I am polling all of the mom's out there!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Creeping All Over My Posts

I wrote this post a couple of times before I actually posted it.  I was so angry at first that I had to save the post and come back to it with a clear head.

When I first separated from my ex, I deleted my blog and my twitter account.  Then he kept commenting on everything I did, so I blocked him on Facebook and Instagram.  Then it continued, so I unfriended everyone he knew and blocked his whole family.

If I posted a picture at Sonic, I was spending money that could go to Max.  If I went out to dinner, who was caring for Max?  I even found out that he was viewing our iBaby baby monitor, so I changed the password.  It felt like I was constantly being bombarded.

Over the past two years, things have calmed down a little.  I started another blog because I finally felt I could start posting again.  My Facebook and Instagram are 99% Max, so if he saw anything it wasn't a big deal.

And then I bought a house....

I told Scott I was moving but I didn't feel like it was any of his business what I did financially.  This divorce hit my wallet hard.  He cleaned out my savings and it has taken me two years of very, very cheap living to rebuild.  I moved back in with my parents because I needed the help and they were so gracious and loving to help me when it all fell apart.

Every penny I saved was so that Max and I could have a better, more stable future together.  This house was a dream come true.  It was such a deal, in a great neighborhood, near friends.  Yeah, my parents helped me out.  But most of this was on me and I finally felt good about myself again.  I didn't feel like such a loser.

(I am actually getting teary eyed typing this post.)

Then, yesterday, my ex told me that someone sent him a picture of my house.  So this post is geared towards the "friend" (I will use that word loosely) who sent my picture of my house to my ex.

It's none of his fucking business!  Yeah, I said it.  It is none of my EX HUSBAND'S fucking business what I do.

I put up with his shit for years.  I held our family together.  Here is a little tid bit for that person.  When I had a new baby, I mowed our massive lawn, did all the laundry, grocery shopped, painted rooms and striped wallpaper in our new house, cut down trees, cared for the dog, cared for a newborn who wasn't in daycare yet and worked full time...while he was too "sick" to get off our couch.  

I know I put it all out there on the internet.  I (usually) post carefully and I never say too much about what is going on but this really pisses me off.  Someone I thought was my friend, went behind my back and basically spied on me.  So give me my moment to rant!

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Night vs. Morning

As a working mom, I am always looking to streamline the morning routine.  If there is a corner to cut, trust me, it gets cut.

Lunches are made at night.  I brush my teeth over the kitchen sink while feeding Max.  I eat my breakfast while walking the dog.  I am a morning machine!

Recently, I have been showering at night to make the morning a little less stressful.  But I have to say, I am not loving it.

It's not really that bad...... I swear!

I do love having those extra 15 minutes.  I seriously LOVE not having to blow dry my hair.  But I don't feel as clear and focused without my morning shower.

I need more coffee.  My brain feels a little fuzzy in the am.  I am not a ninja like I normally am.

So I ask all of you?  Do you shower in the morning or at night?

Do I feel crisp and wide awake, but with bad hair?  Or do I have awesomely flat ironed hair but with a side of 4 cups of coffee?

Which is best?  Yes I really did write a post about this!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Are We Seriously Talking About This?

I know I am a newbie Mom.  I don't understand all the nuances.  I'm not going to lie, I find a lot of the things Mom's think about ridiculous.  But I am not a very sensitive person and I will be the FIRST person to admit that!

A couple of weeks ago the daycare tells me that we have to have a conference.  Max is going through a period of biting and throwing and they want to talk to me about it.  Hmmmmmmmm

Instant Mom guilt sets in.  So like any mature adult, I avoid it.  I never email the director.  I sneak in and out of the daycare for a week without her catching me.  Finally the room teacher brings it up again.  Busted!  I slink back to work and schedule our conference.

So we finally have our meeting.  And instead of talking about why Max is frustrated (hence the biting and throwing) we spend 20 minutes talking about FUCKING sippy cups.  I am seriously not kidding right now.

There are certain cups Max likes and certain ones he doesn't like.  Could I buy him new ones, like the ones he does like?  Can I stop sending this cup because it leaks?  Can I stop putting the stoppers (the ones that stop the cups from leaking) in because the teachers forget to take them out?

Now I know what you are thinking.  Just buy new cups Alex!  But I bought new cups when we switches from bottles.  And more new cups when the previous room teacher told me that he didn't like the soft nipples.  Then I bought even more new cups when he went to his current room and he had to have "big boy" cups like the other kids in the class.  Now I have a drawer full of cups that he doesn't like (though Max has never actually said those words) and about 2 cups that I must wash every day.

I just sat there and nodded my head because I was completely flabbergasted.  This is one of the most ridiculous discussions I have ever had.  I am worried about his development and his temper and we are talking about sippy cups.

I mention this because again, this morning, we had a discussion about sippy cups when I dropped him off.  They keep sending home cups that don't belong to Max.  I wash them and send them back.  Then they end up in his lunch bag again.

Turns out, they split Max's milk in half and give it to him in two servings.  So now, I need to send an empty sippy cup with his lunch every day, so he can have two servings of milk.  Even though I told them the pediatrician wants me to cup back on Max's milk consumption because he drinks way too much!

I guess my problem with this whole situation is that I feel like I just don't have time to deal with this bullshit.  In between working full time, keeping my house cleaning, packing for our move, working my new second job at home at night and keeping up with Max, I just don't have time to worry about sippy cups.  I can barely get myself to bed every night with my to do list finished.  If we are both clean and the dog went out, I consider the night a success!

Every day it is something different with the school.  He needs more snacks.  He doesn't want chicken nuggets, he wants fresh roasted chicken.  He needs more t-shirts because he gets wet during water play. You forgot his bathing suit.  He doesn't like cheese nips, he wants goldfish (aren't they basically the same thing???)  The list goes on and on!

I know every parent goes thru this.  But when is enough....enough???

Friday, August 1, 2014

Fear & Loathing in CT

As a parent, you will probably spend 50% of your life feeling like a failure.  You feel like everything your child does reflects back on you.  You live with constant self doubt that you are doing the right thing.  You will spend every day comparing yourself to other parents and always find yourself lacking.

Become a single parent and that number doubles.  You are completely on your own.  Basically up shit creek without a paddle, in the words of my father.  You have to swallow down most of your worries because there isn't that other person to share it with.  Sure you have friends but they just can't always understand what you are going thru.

Most days Max and I muddle through ok.  I aim for going to bed happy and don't worry that his shirt is dirty, that he has scraped knees and that he isn't organic fucking chicken!  (Chicken nuggets never killed anyone people.  Cool your jets!)  He is the happiest boy ever and that day, I feel like a champion parent.  I may be wrinkled and my hair may look like crap but we are happy!

But many days I feel like a hopeless loser.  I feel like my failed marriage affects Max.  That he struggles or is behind the other kids because he doesn't have a father presence daily in his life.  These days are really hard.  I cry myself to sleep because really I just want the very best for him.

Yesterday was one of those days.  He has woken up every night this week crying.  I am beyond exhausted.  My ex never pays his child support until I beg.  There is no wine in my fridge.  And it is really fucking hot out.  These all add up to epic meltdown proportions.

I lost it last night.  I spent my entire night, awake in bed, convinced that I am a loser, in a dead end job and that my kid is behind because of this.  I woke this morning depressed and really sad.  Normally I can shake this crap easily but today I just can't.

I want Max to think that his Mom is a fighter.  That she works hard and never gives up.  That she may have sacrificed in ways but the stuff really doesn't matter.  It is about the quality of your life and how happy you are.  I want him to know that I can tackle anything without a man in my life.  That I am resourceful and really smart.

Most of this probably boils down to the upcoming close date on my house.  I am really worried about how I will carry all of this financially.  I think it is important for Max and I to have our own home life and I think it is above and beyond time for us to move out of my parents house.  But I am still really scared and I am not afraid to admit it.

Am I the only one who has this problem?