Friday, August 1, 2014

Fear & Loathing in CT

As a parent, you will probably spend 50% of your life feeling like a failure.  You feel like everything your child does reflects back on you.  You live with constant self doubt that you are doing the right thing.  You will spend every day comparing yourself to other parents and always find yourself lacking.

Become a single parent and that number doubles.  You are completely on your own.  Basically up shit creek without a paddle, in the words of my father.  You have to swallow down most of your worries because there isn't that other person to share it with.  Sure you have friends but they just can't always understand what you are going thru.

Most days Max and I muddle through ok.  I aim for going to bed happy and don't worry that his shirt is dirty, that he has scraped knees and that he isn't organic fucking chicken!  (Chicken nuggets never killed anyone people.  Cool your jets!)  He is the happiest boy ever and that day, I feel like a champion parent.  I may be wrinkled and my hair may look like crap but we are happy!

But many days I feel like a hopeless loser.  I feel like my failed marriage affects Max.  That he struggles or is behind the other kids because he doesn't have a father presence daily in his life.  These days are really hard.  I cry myself to sleep because really I just want the very best for him.

Yesterday was one of those days.  He has woken up every night this week crying.  I am beyond exhausted.  My ex never pays his child support until I beg.  There is no wine in my fridge.  And it is really fucking hot out.  These all add up to epic meltdown proportions.

I lost it last night.  I spent my entire night, awake in bed, convinced that I am a loser, in a dead end job and that my kid is behind because of this.  I woke this morning depressed and really sad.  Normally I can shake this crap easily but today I just can't.

I want Max to think that his Mom is a fighter.  That she works hard and never gives up.  That she may have sacrificed in ways but the stuff really doesn't matter.  It is about the quality of your life and how happy you are.  I want him to know that I can tackle anything without a man in my life.  That I am resourceful and really smart.

Most of this probably boils down to the upcoming close date on my house.  I am really worried about how I will carry all of this financially.  I think it is important for Max and I to have our own home life and I think it is above and beyond time for us to move out of my parents house.  But I am still really scared and I am not afraid to admit it.

Am I the only one who has this problem?  

2 comments:

  1. All I can say is I know exactly every single thing you are feeling above...except for the child support.

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  2. No idea how it feels.... but understand the guilt factor. Just want to add that you are right that every mom deals with it. You get extra, you will for a long time, but you are not alone even with us other moms. Max is an awesome kid, and as you noted, you usually snap out of it... its because you know you are the bomb. Its okay to have bad days! I'm writing this guzzling wine because Francesca is still jumping from her bed and I just screamed at her.

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