If back when you were a naive little newlywed, trying to get pregnant, and someone told you about the rough days of parenting (in explicit detail) I swear half of us would never have kids. I am not just talking about the attitude or the sicknesses or the potty training. But the trouble finding someone reliable to watch your kid. Any the worry that keeps you up at night even though you have never been more tired. The days that literally break you under stress and back talk....these are the things that make us true parents!
Yesterday my Nanny just didn't show up. Literally, no call, no show. I had texted her Sunday night, no response. Again at 6am and 7am on Monday. Finally at 7:45, I started calling. My last call she rolled right into voicemail. Fuck meeeeeeee
Now it is Monday at 8am and I am late for work with a crazy boy running around screaming. The panic sets in and I start furiously texting everyone I have ever met. Every babysitter, one babysitter's mother (she is at camp!!!) and all of my friends. When all else fails, like a little kid, I called my Momma and started crying.
In swoops Grandma to save the day! She picked up Max, dropped me at work and saved the day. She is my savior and I owe her a kidney, some wine and a million dollars.
After I calmed down, I realized that the Nanny had left her key on my table on Monday. Apparently in this new, modern world that is a resignation. No, "Hey I found a new job." or "I won't be here Monday because your kid is a monster". Because that would take manners and class...apparently this girl had neither.
Now I am without a nanny and two months of Max's time to fill. I finally found someone for this week and next week we are on vacation. But what do I do then....
The reality is that it took weeks to trust the last Nanny. To leave the iPads and laptops at home and stop listening on the baby monitor to make sure she wasn't killing my kid. It took weeks to get in a rhythm and not feel sick to my stomach about Max's care. Now I have to start all over.
And when you boil it all down, I am just fucking tired. Tired of working so hard just to go to work every day. This winter alone, I have been through two daycares and two nannys. That is four failures under my belt and the thought of that is just exhausting.
I never thought I would be a single parent and that all of this shit would be on me. I never thought I would have to manage all of this on my own. Which makes the failures even harder to swallow.
But I do and that is my reality. Some days, like yesterday, are really hard. I literally want to curl up in a ball and cry. Other days I feel like superwoman, getting shit down, crossing of my lists and still finding time to run through the sprinkler (while changing beds, laundry, walking the dog, teaching Max Mandarin, potty training, etc). You know....the basics!
I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I would never give up my little monster for anything. Even when yesterday, during all the madness, he stuffed two allergy pills in his mouth and I had to call poison control. Even that won't break me.
But late at night, when I can't sleep, I won't lie and say that a few tears weren't shed and that my heart was a little broken yesterday. I brought this person into our life and I thought she honestly liked Max. So my heart is sad for him because this felt like a rejection.
Moral of the story, those Pampers commercials are all a lie. It isn't all rosy days at the park and dry diapers. Parenting is fucking hard and it never gets easier. The problems just change and evolve. But you would like to believe that in the end you produce this amazing adult that can someday become your friend. And a small little part of me looks forward to the payback. When I am 80 years old and Max has to care for me, I am going to fill my mouth with allergy pills so he is the one on the phone with poison control!