Friday, July 17, 2015

Holding Ourselves Back

I have never been a fearful person.  I have a tendency to run full force into everything and then suffer the consequences after the fact.  I think cutting bangs sounds like a great idea, especially after a couple of glasses of wine.  Maybe I should start striping wallpaper, at 10pm.  Go on an all vegan diet, without doing any research about what I can eat.

Which is why I was so shocked this year to realize that I am holding Max back.  And the cause is fear.....

He acted up a couple of times when we were out with friends.  My immediate solution was to stop doing things with other kids.  If it is just the two of us, no one can see him be bad or judge me as a bad parent.

When we go to stores, I am so fearful of being unable to control him, that I force him to sit in a shopping cart.  Then he yells the entire shopping trip because he wants to be a big boy and walk beside me.  At the end of each shopping trip, I am exhausted and usually pretty angry.

When we left the first daycare, I refused to contact any of his friend's parents.  Because I didn't want to explain what had happened.  I didn't want people to think he was a bad kid.  I didn't want anyone to judge us.

First truth- Max is not a bad kid.
Second truth- He will never remember this shit.
Third truth- I am not a bad parent
Fourth truth- I have to let shit go

I have to stop being such a control freak.  You heard it hear folks, I am a raging control freak.  My child doesn't have to do everything in the order than makes me happy.  Some days we can brush our teeth first.  Some days we get dressed first.  Letting these little battles go make my day better.

I can't always control his actions.  He is going to have good days and bad days.  I have to keep putting us out there and see what happens.  Maybe one day he will shock me with his stellar behavior.  I won't hold my breath, but what the hell, it could happen.

I have to let him grow up.  He isn't my little baby anymore.  He needs to spread his wings and do things on his own.  It means there will be spills and there will be accidents but that is part of the growing process.  And if I have to buy a lot more paper towels, then that is just too bad.

I really felt like I was protecting him by doing these things.  But in the end, I was just protecting myself from more heartache and sadness.  I used to be a really social person.  Max may be really social too.  But I have to give him the opportunity to find out.

We have to stop holding ourselves back.  You have to believe that every time you put yourself out there and try something new, that something great will happen.  You will meet a new friend.  Find a new food you love.  Find out your kid is pretty stellar (even though you really knew that all along!)

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