Friday, April 22, 2016

Planting a Seed

It is hard to believe, but in three weeks, I will have been a divorced lady for two years.  It will also be Max's fourth birthday.  It is really hard to quantify how much my life has changed in the last two years, let alone the four years since he was born.

I don't know if it is the anniversary of those two big life moments or the recent spring flowers that are popping up all over my yard, but I have had change on the brain for quite some time.

During our vacation I made an honest effort to unplug, even going so far as to leave my phone at home each day.  Obviously you all missed out on my super cute Instagram posts since I barely took any pictures.  But it was really nice to disconnect for a short period of time.  This doesn't sound like a big deal, but last winter, I went so far as to take my phone to the beach every day of our vacation and I was answering emails while my child was building a sand castle.  I don't want that to be my life, so on this vacation I put my phone on silent and left it that way for six days.

This big change (for me) lead to me thinking about the quality of my life.  I can't pinpoint the minute that it happened but over 10 years ago, my job took over every waking second of my day.  I was checking my emails before bed and the second that I woke up.  It was literally all I talked about.  Then I added a needy husband, a baby, a divorce, single motherhood and home ownership to the equation.  All of the sudden every second of the day was about someone else and their needs.

So I decided to change that too.  I made a promise to myself at the beginning of this year that I was going to make time for me.  And I did in most aspects of my life.  I hired a babysitter for every Saturday morning, I started working out more and eating better.  Basically just taking care of Alex!  I have tried minimizing my screen time, going back to reading paper books before bed to give my eyes and my head a rest.

But even with all of that, I found myself laying in bed last night thinking that I was just marking time.   It was the typical roller coaster of self doubt and envy.  It usually happens after trolling Instagram or Facebook.  Seeing people engaged or with new babies.  Things I would like to have but don't.  This then spirals into me saying that I would get a better job when Max finally goes to elementary school.  Or that I would start dating when he was older.  Basically saying that nothing can change for years!

So am I really making myself a priority, when I keep putting everything off till later?

I am not dissatisfied with my life.  I have worked really hard to get where I am and I am happy most days.  But this small seed was planted in my brain a couple of weeks ago and now I just can't let the thought go.

What if change would make everything better?


2 comments:

  1. Oh girl, I FEEL YOU! I can't stop thinking about how I want to change my life. There is something in the air...

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