Friday, May 20, 2016

Keep on Trying

I have been feeling a little overwhelmed lately.  Work has been insane.  So insane that I blink and eight hours have gone by and yet I feel like I accomplished nothing.  Max is growing up so fast which makes me sad.  This past weekend really brought that home when he turned four!!!!  This fast pace that my life has taken on is exhausting.  And it isn't fast paced like I am a jet setter.  It is fast paced in the sense that I am doing my Barre3 workout, while answering emails and entertaining Max.  It has all become too much and I am just burnt out!

At first I really tried stream lining my life.  I purged and purged.  I got rid of toys, clothing, shoes and other random bits and bobs.  I scanned papers and threw them away after.  I cleaned out both of our closets and tossed everything.  Constantly purging like a maniac.  I have taken three loads of bags to Goodwill thinking that this cleansing period would make me feel better.  But it didn't bring the sense of peace I had hoped for.

Then I tried focusing on my health.  Eating well and working out like a maniac.  But that didn't bring the results I had hoped for either.  It wasn't so much a quest to be skinny as much as I wanted to feel better in my own skin.  But that still didn't bring the inner calm that I am desperately craving.  

So I did some soul searching (Christ, grab a tissue) and found that I am just dissatisfied with my life right now.  I hate saying that.  My life doesn't suck.  I have a job, a house, enough money to live and on top of all of that, a beautiful child and a wonderful family.  Yet I am still unhappy.

And that is because I feel like my life stopped and everyone around me kept moving.  All of my friends are getting married or having their second or third child.  They are in relationships or have these amazing jobs.  They go on beautiful vacations.  None of these things are happening over at Camp Alex and it sucks.  Point blank, it just sucks! (First world problems over here)

My life clearly didn't stop but it drastically changed.  And while I have been rebuilding, it feels like everyone moved on without me.  I never liked the feeling of being left behind when I was a kid and it turns out, I still hate it when I am an adult.  

When you have children, it is important to give them stability and routine.  We get up at the same time every day.  We eat similar things every day.  We do the same things all the time, like go to Target or the library.  We go to bed at the same time every night.  I know this is all good for him but it makes me feel like hamster on a wheel.  

I need to find a way to "spark joy" in my life again.  Running used to do that for me but it doesn't work any more.  Trust me, I tried!  A lot of women would say dating would make me feel good.  But I don't want my happiness tied to anyone else.  I want to find happiness in myself first.  And then if a sexy dude comes along, well that is just icing on my cupcake!

No amounts of green juice, yoga or Barre 3 is going to do it either.  So I am on a quest.  I am going to "spark joy" in my life on my own.  But not with things.  Things don't bring happiness or fulfillment.  I am going to do it with experiences and people.  I am bringing my life back to basics (but not #basic) because if I spend one more Saturday at Target, I am going to throw my Starbucks coffee to the ground and start running as fast as my little yoga pant clad legs can carry me.  

You only are given one life.  And it is your job to make it the best life you can!

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